Introduction
You are angry. Angry at someone that has done nothing but cause you harm. A toxic personality causing nothing but suffering. Someone you have done beneficial things to but in return they have only caused you harm. You wish to distance yourself, and withhold doing any good to them and you wish for them to no longer have any blessings, or to start loosing all the blessings that they have. You are hurt because of them. You are angry when people love, or praise or treat this cold hearted person as a good human being. They don’t understand all the damage this individual has caused you. All the times this person has ruthlessly rebelled against you. All the times they have passed condescending remarks towards you to put you down or to enforce negative views about you into the minds of others. How can you not hate this person? You want to defend yourself against them. You want to distance yourself and be far away from this individual. For intentionally hurting you.
But as a mu’min and a believer in Islam you are confused. WHen you are tempted to return evil to the evil they have committed for the sake of justice. Because what is justice except the returning of evil with evil? You want to cause harm that is equivalent and justified. You want to make them feel exactly what they have made you feel and you want to witness it.
However, you stop yourself, and ask yourself how you could go against God in doing this? WHen he has prohibited that you backbite like she does. Or that you withhold from causing any emotional, mental or even physical harm like she does? When all those evils are prohibited yet you feel you are justified. And then suddenly the permissibility of fighting comes to mind in Islam. Jihad.
But you don’t know clearly what a jihad is. This need to cause harm is not your jihad. It is not the jihad that Islam justifies when it is rooted and stemmed in personal vengeance. It is the wrong terminology implied in the wrong circumstance. It is the hate towards the person rather than towards the action. Now, you have to take another step back to ask yourself what exactly you are doing, how you will confront this situation and how exactly are you going to deal with this toxic personality.. In this reflection, I will start by discussing irrational forms of violence that are spiritual, physical, emotional or psychological in nature. It will than analyze the prohibitions and permissibility in Islam in regards to fighting and justice. After that it will discuss the states of the heart and curing the disease of hatred. Than it will discuss sincerity and intrinsic and extrinsic motivation to obtain a peaceful state of mind and heart as well as practical ways you can protect yourself from the harm and damage of this toxic individual using a few defence mechanisms.
In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.
Bismillah hir rahman niraheen
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Prohibited Forms of Fighting in Islam
Now, what you really feel like doing is yelling. Breaking things. Burning things. Slamming doors. You may also be getting suicidal or homicidal impulses. Maybe you want to numb the feeling so you are taking antidepressant, alcohol or other forms of drugs. Maybe you are not doing anything haram but you are finding various ways to escape the situation. Maybe you want to return the evil with a similar form of evil by passing negative remarks and hurtful comments as well. Maybe you want to go vent to a friend or post a vent as your status online. The point is - you are hurt. Really really hurt and you have no idea what to do with this pain or how to get rid of it.
But all the above stated things are prohibited. Backbiting and ghibat are haram. You’ve read surah humazah and you know that any forms of speech, expressions, and behaviours that are meant to degrade another human being are all prohibited. You also know drugs such as alcohol are strictly prohibited. You know that suicide is not the solution either because you wont escape anything. The pain is not going to go away. Instead - in the afterlife - those who suicide infinitely die in the way they killed themselves and the pain is eternal and continuous. Talking to a friend is probably one of the most halal options if you mention the situation without mentioning the situation but deep down inside, you know it wont solve anything. They aren’t in your situation and even if you present your situation it is exceptionally biased. Nor does your friend have any power whatsoever to resolve the matter. Finally, breaking things, burning things, slamming doors will only make you seem like a lunatic and it really will solve nothing, maybe only escalate the problem even more. Amidst all these prohibitions, the cunning shaitan comes and tells you “JIHAD!!!!” well. That’s the only fighting that seems permissible in islam. And well - thats what you need. You need to heal and you need to fight.
Now that you are angry and hurt at this person, and all you want to do is fight them (and islamically too) you start proving or shall I say, justifying your legitimacy to fight them. Maybe you start questioning their emaan. Maybe you start finding faults in them. Maybe they weren’t muslim to begin with and thus, you start justifying the hatred that you now feel towards this individual. But one thing you need to keep in mind, is that jihad is not something rooted in personal vengeance. So yes, it falls under ‘irrational forms of violence’ too. Plus, it escalates the problem far beyond what it really was by bringing an entire religion and social structure into it. The jihad islam gives permissibility to is rooted in beneficence. For example, fighting oppression in forms including tribalism, racism, the oppression of women, or harming orphans and weak individuals in the society. What jihad entails is fighting for what is the truth, and what is right. Ultimately benefitting the recipient. This hatred against corruption, evil, disbelief, murder, lewdness or anything that Allah swt himself has exposed as despicable is justified but the prophet never disliked a thing because of its essence but because of what it manifested. The cure to this is to genuinely want the detrimental aspect of a certain person/thing but want them to return to what is good, pure and beneficial. This is done by sincerely and privately making dua to Allah swt for this person to let go of a detrimental habit, behaviour or a social structure that is bad for their hereafter, than you have no right to do jihad against them. What you have to really do is jihad against the venom inside your own heart.
Curing Hatred from the Heart
Hatred for other than the sake of God is a disease of the heart and its cure is to pray for the one who is despised. You have not done harm however, if you are not repulsed by the hatred and are taking measures to avoid harming the person as a result of feeling hatred towards them. However, what measure can you take against this individual? In arabic this disease is called the disease of bughd, hatred for other than the sake of God. Hatred is the extreme dislike of someone for no legitimate reason whatsoever. The cure to hatred, is to love. So to sincerely and privately make prayer for good things to happen to this individual. The prophet peace be upon him said, one does not truly believe until he loves for his brother what he loves for himself. Whenever a person does not want good for another person, it is through envy and envy is rejection of God’s apportionment to him. So the person is actually rejection how Allah swt himself distributed the good in the world according to His wisdom. Thus, to suppress the ego, one must pray for his enemies. (Hamza Yusuf)
Maintaining Sincerity: Intrinsic and Extrinsic Motivation
Before we can get into defense mechanisms we will shed light on doing good towards others with complete and utter sincerity. It can be extremely hard to be good to someone who is not well intentioned or good hearted. As Kurt Vonnegut stated, ‘Be soft, do not let the world make you hard, do not let the pain make you hate, do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness. Take pride that even though the rest of the world may disagree, you still believe it to be a beautiful place.” Another way to look at it is, you don’t want to reshape your own heart to the same venomous heart that causes you damage in the first place. You don’t need to go down to their level. However, to do that, one has to be extremely powerful and sincere because the external factors do not seem to provide that atmosphere. There is no positive reinforcement in doing good to a toxic individual because they are cold, unappreciative, judgemental, condescending and extremely rude. Although you will naturally be more inclined towards doing good towards someone who is more appreciative, kind, and uplifting, it the absence of those characteristics, maintaining a good behaviour and relationship requires a great endurance. Dealing with toxic individuals especially happens when it is someone you are forced to work with or keep relations with such as a coworker, a boss, or a family member where you have no choice but to confront this individual regularly. In these kind of situations or scenarios, it becomes extremely essential to guard your motivation and making it sincere for the sake of Allah swt.
This is challenging but there are ways to keep your sincerity and ikhlas in check all of the time. For example, if your efforts are not appreciated and there is no gratitude, but it bothers you a lot, this is a clear indication that your motivation was distorted. The next is, do you remember the deed constantly? If you remember it constantly than it is like, in urdu they call it ‘ihsan jitana’. Like, because you are constantly remembering the good you do to someone you have expectations and so on from them as well. Finally, another way to keep your sincerity in check is by remembering this hadith.
The Messenger of Allah (saws) said: ‘The first of people against whom Judgment will be pronounced on the Day of Resurrection will be a man who died a martyr. He will be brought and Allah will make known to him His favours and he will recognize them. [The Almighty] will say: “And what did you do about them?” He will say: “I fought for you until I died a martyr.” Allah Subhanah will say: “You have lied! - you did but fight that it might be said [of you]: He is courageous. And so it was said.” Then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face until he is cast into Hell-fire. [Another] will be a man who has studied [religious] knowledge and has taught it and who used to recite the Quran. He will be brought and Allah will make known to his Him favours and he will recognize them. [The Almighty] will say: “And what did you do about them?” He will say: “I studied [religious] knowledge and I taught it and I recited the Quran for Your sake.” Allah Subhanah will say: “You have lied! - you did but study [religious] knowledge that it might be said [of you]: He is learned. And you recited the Quran that it might be said [of you]: He is a reciter. And so it was said.” Then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face until he is cast into Hell-fire. [Another] will be a man whom Allah had made rich and to whom He had given all kinds of wealth. He will be brought and Allah will make known to him His favours and he will recognize them. [The Almighty] will say: “And what did you do about them?” He will say: “I left no path [untrodden] in which You liked money to be spent without spending in it for Your sake.” Allah Subhanah will say: “You have lied! - you did but do so that it might be said [of you]: He is open-handed. And so it was said.” Then he will be ordered to be dragged along on his face until he is cast into Hell-fire.
All these warnings and deep introspection really help us guard ourselves against doing anything for the sake of anyone other than God. Letting pain of any sort be an indication that maybe our sincerity or the reward and expectation were were seeking was in the wrong place and than doing going solely for the sake of Allah swt.
Defense Mechanisms
I am adding this next section to the article because in dealing with a complicated situation, Confronting, what arabic would call ‘humazah’ as mentioned in surah humaazah is one of the most difficult things to deal with. A condescending personality is not simply just backbiting. It is scandalmongering. The surah condemns three vices in the strongest terms. Scandalmongering, talking or suggesting evil of men or women by word, or innuendo, or behaviour, or mimicry or sarcasm or insult. (2) Detracting from their character behind their backs even if the things suggested are true where the motive is evil (3) piling up wealth not for use and service but in miserly hoards. (Abdullah Yusuf Ali). Hutamah is that which smashes or breaks to pieces is the apt description of three anti social vices for scandal mongering and backbiting make any sort of cohesion or mutual confidence impossible and miser’s hoards block up channels of economic service and charity and the circulation of good will. (Abdullah Yusuf Ali)
While it is very easy to go upto a believer and tell them “look, islamically ghibat is wrong, or we shouldn’t be piling up wealth like this, its not right,” maybe they will take heed and fear Allah swt. But lets face it, its no longer the case that you can just walk upto people and tell them something is wrong and they’ll just comply. In fact, majority of the people of our time are dedicated to rebelling against any teachings, especially if they relate to Islam. Therefore in those situations, it is always best to recite surah falaq and surah nas and pray for Allah swt’s protection against them as well as against any was was from the shaitan that comes up internally. However, you need a way to defend yourself against false accusations.
I had a conversation with someone (who was actually not muslim) and I personally appraise them for telling me these things because it gives me insight on how to deal with people who are not actually believers in the first place. I haven’t used any of these tactics yet but when having to confront someone who has no faith whatsoever in the first place, its a great way to defend yourself against false accusations.These are minor defense mechanisms when placed in a provocative situation. The mechanisms this individual told me were (1) agree and amplify (2) Misdirect (3) Ignore (4) Ridicule and Reframe (5) Disagree and Disarm (6) Gaslight (7) Pressure flip.
Agree and amplify means, if the toxic individual says something to you so you over exaggerate it and it sort of uses sarcasm. For example, everyone knows you are not the kind of person that would get into dating and so on but someone decides to be overly suspicious like ‘where exactly are you going?’ so you respond with “oh I’m going to bar to hang out with my date’. When everyone knows you wouldn’t go do something like that. Misdirect is basically changing the topic entirely. Ignoring is staying silent and not responding to negativity and rude remarks that you know aren’t true by holding yourself in a specific frame of mind. Ridicule and reframe is like clearly saying how profoundly wrong and inappropriate what the other person is saying and reframing the mindset or misconception (or addressing the misconception directly). Pressure flip is similar to ridicule and reframe in the sense that they both, in a straightforward manner really question what exactly the person meant by doing or saying a certain thing.
Conclusion
In conclusion, it is important to keep a peaceful state of mind regardless and keep a good heart and good intentions towards people. As Dalai Lama stated “do not let the behaviour of others destroy your own inner peace’. Constantly remain controlled and self disciplined. Ibn Qayyim also writes on how one should not be moved by praise or criticism. ONe should be sincerely and intrinsically motivated to do good whether they receive positive or negative reinforcement as this would imply giving authority to the reinforcer rather than God, Allah swt almighty.
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